everyone likes to say that they are good people. They look at all the good things they’ve done and they conclude “I’m a good human being.” People love to feel justified and righteous about their good deeds and it’s something that I have been guilty of for some time now. And I realize that maybe I’m not as kind or generous as I should be with how close I am to God. I should be operating above and beyond in love. But My self righteousness and feeling like I’ve been a good person have kept me from realizing that there is much room for improvement. What sparked this realization is honestly such a simple and honest mistake that anyone could have made, and just as easily forgotten about. It happened when paying for a bill for a night at Top Golf with some friends from church. One of them offered to pay for the whole group but had to leave early and left me more than enough money to clear the tab. As such, I had been left in charge of paying for our play time and some food that I had ordered. When it came time to pay, our server held the card reader machine up, which gave me a chance to leave a tip. Now, I’m not big on leaving tips for a number of reasons. But considering that we were a group and I didn’t even have to pay for my end of the bill, I should at least tip 20%. She was a good enough server and there were no raised complaints against her. So I tap my card and get ready to finalize. I get to the screen that asks for a tip, I take a split second to consider, then I lift my fingers to the keypad. Without hesitation- I press skip and leave 0 dollars and a weak thank you. In my mind, I was considering that she would have made plenty more tips throughout the day and the money I put in might not even go directly to her. It’s my mindset every time a tip screen comes up. I worried more about my bank account which didn’t make sense considering someone else paid for me- and secondly coming from a wealthy family where money can be spared. And although I dont know her, I know that even something as small as ten dollars out of my pocket could have put her in a better mood for the rest of the night. Instead, she was probably annoyed at the most that she had to put up with our group for an hour and half with no benefit to her.
Id honestly say it had more of an effect on me, as I’m driving home and I suddenly realize how messed up I am for not doing something as basic as leaving a tip. Maybe the old friends I used to hang out with that would always tip nothing or bare minimum of a dollar were onto nothing. Because what is 10 or 20 bucks for a fun night out worth to me, compared to someone who has been grinding all day on Labor Day of all days, doing their best despite being at the end of their shift? I ruminated on the idea while at a red light, and a deep sense of guilt came over me. I am such a selfish human being- and it’s not the fact that I didn’t tip her the money. It’s the fact that In the moment, I had only thought about the course of action that would benefit me. And I do this a lot in my life, disguising it as kindness. I would rush to commit to doing nice, but also unnecessary, things for certain people in my life. In the moment It feels like me being a good friend, a perfect role model, a cool family member. But deep down, it seems like I only did these things because I wanted their perceptions of me to be perfection. And it made me think that I was some sort of saint. A 0 dollar tip says quite the opposite- and it made me realize that I am not a good representative for the Lord in my actions. Because if there is nothing to be gained, if people who I know aren’t involved, if I’m not actively trying to force others perceptions of me, my heart folds and it turns back to doing things for myself. In either case, real love and kindness are not present. It is absent and acts as an illusion that hides selfishness and conceit.
so from now on I’ve made it a goal to always leave a tip each chance I get. And to make it easy I decided on doing a flat 50% each time. But instead of doing it to look good, I’ve decided that I truly want to do this. To make up for all the times that I’ve left 0 dollars and also to make another persons day even remotely better. I know it’s far from what real generosity looks like, and I get there’s a lot more to it than just leaving tips. But it’s a start to finding how to live out of the kindness of my heart- setting my own needs down for just a moment and giving them up for someone else’s sake.