My life feels like a rush, constantly going from one source of stimulation to the next. This year i’ve completely lost myself in a burnout that lasted several weeks, almost the entirety of my summer break, even though nothing crazy happened in my life. I didn’t really do much up until that point of giving up on everything; I guess i just got caught up in the endless loop of life. You get up, pursue a career to be succesful so that you’ll matter to the world only to feel completely invisible to those who are so focused on doing the same. You work your days away at a job that makes you feel like a machine so that you can buy things that you end up forgetting about weeks later. Hell, you even have to do the simple things such as feeding yourself only to end up hungry once again.
If you’re lucky, you’ll have friends and family to make memories with, which is one thing that’ll never fade away, at least entirely. But If you’re like me and have this unnatural urge to care about things, all these memories aree good for is locking us in unhealthy behaviors and relationships. Maybe it’s just me, but I cherish the times i;ve spent with people that I start to care a little too much. To the point where these people are all I can think of. I can recall several times I’ve gotten offended at being left on delivered for a few hours but not because I felt disrespected; but because I truly desired to have a conversation with this person. And it seemed like they couldn’t spare a second to respond back. And every single time I’ve learned that confronting others about not caring enough, always ends up with me being completely in the wrong. Because no one should be forced to respond to a text if they don’t want to, or appreciate a gift that you spent money on but to them was just a small thing, or thank you for all the times that you had their back. We live in a world where getting upset with someone for not caring is psychotic. And after knowing all of this now, it becomes especially clear to me in these days where my phone no longer rings with texts or calls from the outside world, that although the memories last; the people sure as shit don’t.
So what then is the point of living? If everything we do ends up being a pointless chase of momentary elation, why are we even here? Most people have just grown used to this fact and have opted to live life just to live it. No matter how pointless all of this is, society has been formed to associate fast cars, picture-perfect families, and big houses with meaning. And people follow this pattern of chasing, because thats what the world says is important. And without stopping to think about it because people are so busy in the pursuit to cares enough to just stop and ask why. They are satisfied in experiencing these things for the brief moment that they exist. And it’s easy to be inclined to do the same when you see everyone else doing it. But being blessed into wealth it’s hard for me to keep up as I look around and I’m already surrounded by it. Connections are too surface level for me to pursue anything, and memories are often overshadowed by dark thoughts of abandonment. So comfort is where I’ve remained in these past 2 months. He had this to say;
Be still and know that I am God. There’s a significant weight to this verse in the Bible. It is a daily commitment, a command in the sense that God tells us this and expects us to apply it, not just in the moment that we read it, but also in our daily lives. I feel the weight of it now as I type and try and pour purpose into the web page before me. When this verse came to me in prayer, I thought about what it means to be still. And I realize that I have been anything but that; I’ve been pushed to do things for validation, moving to supply my natural urges, striving for dreams that are not mine. God want’s us to stop allowing emotions, situations, and the world to dictate our movement. We are better off staying still. We are to observe the pushes of the world, the mind-boggling existential questions of why we’re here, and all the late nights of anxiety that bring us back to our past. But we do not allow ourselves to conform and act on them. We stay still and live out what we enjoy and believe in and strive for what we hope to see, and in this stillness imbues true meaning in our lives. It’s hard knowing that being still causes us to appear weak or useless. That being still often takes time and isn’t the flashiest thing. It is in this stillness that we feels like we aren’t getting anywhere. But we know God and we know that he is good. And we believe he’s doing all the movement for us.