Why does it feel so diffiicult to do good things in the world? I ask myself this question often because I struggle with finding the motivation to do things that I know to be right, small things that take little to no effort on my end and would mean the world to another. Deep down I want to be a good person, and I like the idea of having an impact on the world beyond my own. But there’s always this mental battle that goes on in my head when the time comes to do something for another person that seems to take away all the courage to stand up for someone other than myself.
I find myself thinking about this today. I was at the store completing an order for Instacart. I’m on my way out of the store, in a rush to get to my car and complete the order, when I was stopped at the door by a boy scout asking if I wanted to buy anything from their popcorn stand. Now I typically say no to things like this, especially when I’m busy and don’t have time to stop and interact, and I tell him no thanks without hesitation. But something in me pulled me back from walking off. It wasn’t conceptual, like I didn’t really think it through very hard, but I remembered that I had a 10 dollar bill in my wallet that was tipped to me from one of my orders. So instincitvely, I stopped in my tracks and I was like, “whats your cheapest thing.” Everything was outrageously priced from small bags of popcorn costing 45 dollars so my 10 bucks wasn’t gonna get me anything. So I ended up buying a bottle of kernels for 20 bucks and just apple paying them the rest of the money.
Now why exactly did I do this? Looking back it was kind of ridiculous. I basically spent what I was earning on the order for something that I did not need or want, and based off the reaction of the dad and the boy scouts, it didn;t seem like they really appreciated my patronage considering I only bought the cheapest thing that they were selling. But I think part of it was understanding that doing something like that was the right thing to do. Thinking about how these kids are basically spending their sunday in the heat of Texas, begging people to support their hobby while watching people mindlessly walk past and reject their initiatives. I had a pretty good week for income, and was even met with some generosity by the dude who tipped me the 10. So deep down I knew it to be right. But damn, handing over basically an hour of my time to some random kids just for some overpriced seeds just shook something in me. And I struggle to process it even now.
And I’ve always tried to be generous with others, when it comes to anything really. But what gets to me most is that people don’t react any differently than if you were to do nothing at all. Like you could do something really cool for someone, something that took time an effort, and maybe even a chunk of your paycheck, and in the moment they’ll seem very grateful and happy for it. But days pass and the excitement fades and then they’re like the same person and it’s like all of the hours that went into your generosity was for nothing. It’s such a shame. And theres always the excuse that, if it was a gift then you really shouldn’t expect anything back from them. But is it really so much to ask for some respect? To be cared about? Honestly, if thats the case then why do anything for anyone at all. I get doing things out of the kindness of your heart but there has to be some sort of end goal with that. But when no one even notices the things that you do, then what is the point?
I just feel backstabbed and wronged by doing things for other people. And it makes me think that maybe I should just be like everyone else and do things for me and me only. To be selfish and take and hoard everything for my own gain and say fuck everyone else. I’m done feeling like im just being taken advantage of for my kindness. But then again most of the time I just can’t help it. Like with the boy scout, even though logically it made no sense to buy anything in that moment, I just felt my heart being pulled in that direction. And doing good things no matter how dumb just reminds me of who I am. I am created by the all powerful and all loving God. That means more to me than anything people could do for me.