Hello and welcome to my second post. My name is Clay. I’m just an average guy wanting to share my thoughts and spread the gospel in my very own way. To do this, I need to share a little about myself, because why should anyone care about the words of a random person online who also seems to have no outstanding achievements or possessions in life? Logically speaking, you would not want to take advice from someone who isn’t successful or known. To set aside time to read a random blog from a nobody makes no sense. Yet I write not for the people who define success as something tangible and seen. This blog is for the people who are like me. The “losers” and “outcasts” of this generation who find themselves far from the desires of the world. I may not have cars, wealth, or status but I have come a very long way in my relationship with God and learning what it means to have true purpose on this earth. Purpose that doesn’t strive to fulfill my own needs and desires, but the very will of God. While I realize I have a lot more growing and learning to do, I believe that my current calling in life is to share what I know so far. I’ve come a long way from who I once was before I was saved. So to fully understand what I’m about to share in the following posts, it’s important to know how I got here in the first place. I didn’t just magically place my entire belief in God overnight. It was a process much like everything in life.
Starting all the way back when I was born, I was already defined as the black sheep of the world. I was several days premature, though I don’t vividly remember what I was like; my mom described me as being much smaller than average, that I came out all blue, and what was most strange was that I didn’t move a muscle as newborn babies typically do. Thankfully, there weren’t any major complications other than my size. My whole family was relatively short, so of course I followed suit. The only other weird trait that I had was that I didn’t talk much, mostly due to my shy nature. Funnily enough, my teachers picked up on this and placed me in an ESL class assuming that I just didn’t know how to speak English. The thing that completely set me apart wasn’t something I was, but rather something I experienced. That is the fact that I never knew what it meant to have a father. From the time that I was born until now, I can only remember a handful of memories with him, most of them being pretty unpleasant. For the most part, I spent a large majority of my childhood without my father. And it was fine. Since I never knew what it was like to have a dad, I never questioned his absence. I became closely attached to my mom and two older sisters, and that was good enough for me. My childhood was better than I could have asked for, as my mom loved and raised me the best way she knew how, working hard to provide for and support me and my siblings. So much so, that I never realized the importance of having a fatherly relationship until I grew up.
As a kid, I was always deeply insecure about my height. In order to feel accepted, I used humor as a way to make others laugh. I was a dumb kid so usually I was completely oblivious to people’s true intentions concerning me. As a result, this laughter often came at the expense of my own self-respect. I never understood how to talk to girls since masculine traits and ambitions that girls are attracted to were never absorbed into my being. So obviously, pursuing girls was a hopeless cause, usually an embarrassing one at that. Lastly, I had no drive to pursue anything substantial in life. I had my hobbies as a kid but lacked the push to excel further than mediocrity. I remember playing on my junior league soccer team and having a decent amount of skill. Seeing my sisters and friends flourishing in their respective things, I felt pressured into being good at something, and my love for the game quickly grew stale. It was the same story with all of my other interests and academic pursuits. As I started to age and mature, I became aware that I came up short in every aspect of life. Felt that there was a whole world that I was missing out on and also the sense that people looked down on me for it. It felt like everyone I knew didn’t respect me, the girls I grew interested in would lead me on, I had no real ambitions, and to slam the casket shut, I was addicted to weed and watching porn which led to stages of severe depression. Towards the end of my senior year of high school, I endured some of the harshest moments of realization in my life. I would lie in my room and think about my friends, family, and the random people who would smirk and mock me in public. I wondered if anyone truly saw me as someone valuable or if I was doomed to live a worthless existence. I questioned my entire worth, finding ways to cope with the horror of my thoughts, such as progressing in the gym and working part-time jobs. But I ultimately came to the conclusion that there was no redeeming who I was. Finding it difficult to verbally express my discontent with the way I viewed myself, these thoughts would stay hidden from sight as I continued to suffer in silence; feeling the weight of not being enough and dragging it everywhere I went. I always considered myself to be a Christian, but I found myself repeating the same sinful habits and asking the same question over and over, “why would God ever create someone like me?” Feeling like the world would be better off without me, I turned to the only other thing that I had: my faith in Jesus Christ. Instead of mindlessly reading off verses, I began to dive into the word, trying my best to understand. Instead of babbling the same memorized prayer, I’d have conversations with God, pleading for something good to come out of my life. It didn’t happen overnight, but the weaknesses that were created from having an absent father and terrible lifestyle choices created new strengths within me that can only be credited to the Father who is in heaven. And for the first time in my life, I actually felt good about something. I started writing in this little journal to guide my journey with the Creator and also provide myself with words of encouragement. This journal became my inspiration for creating Jars of Clay.
Here’s an excerpt from an undated entry from 2023:
Writing down my thoughts Vol. 1
Decided to use my restless night and put it to some sort of use. I’ve found that writing down my thoughts helps me better understand and sort through any shit that might be on my mind. This is esp. helpful during nights like this. Maybe one day I can write for an audience and help them through their own restless nights. Recently, me and God had a talk. He reminded me of my value as his creation. [This value] is shown through Christ, [who] I’ve been growing my faith in for a while now. I felt terrible about myself because I’d allowed myself to return to past mistakes, thinking that God finally lost faith in me. Thankfully, I was reminded that I am never alone. I spend all this time worrying about pointless things, the little stuff that’s out of my control… I worry about others’ opinions about me. [Despite this] I want to do everything in my power to make sure that I leave a positive impact on people’s lives. I’ve made it my purpose to fulfill this wherever I can in my life. Sometimes people will still decide to hate on me or switch up. But I know that if I stick to my values and my purpose, I am redeemed for all of the things that I’m mocked for. I was looked down on because of my size, so I worked my ass off for a respectable physique. I’ve been used for my attention, so I offer forgiveness, but also know when to distance myself from a situation. I may be slow at times, having a hard time knowing how to act in certain scenarios. [But] I’ve learned to pick up on these things, so that [unintended outcomes] happen less in the future. In a lot of ways, I’ve grown, but there is still plenty of room for improvement. Tomorrow is a new day to enjoy and learn whatever God has in store… All I can really say to wrap this up is to hold God, your values and beliefs, and most importantly, your purpose close to you. Keep fighting for your dreams, even while lost in your darkest days. God has a plan, and it will always be there for the taking!
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