Hello world!
An ironic introduction to this post, as a coder would understand. I am writing this post because I feel like my thoughts and emotions are programmed. When I do things, for example, holding conversations, watching tv, going on walks, listening to music, playing with my dog. Things that used to illicit strong powerful emotions within the core of my being, no longer have that effect on me. Instead I do things as if im programmed to do it: do the same repetitive motions, make the same repetitive face, saying the same damn things as if I was a record player on loop. Maybe I have forgotten how to feel properly, or maybe i’ve just experienced these things so much that my mind becomes too bored exert into the world. Any ways, expressing myself to the fullest extent has become troublesome. How can one seek help about how they are feeling if they cannot actively express what they are going through? Not because they lack the words but because that feeling hasnt existed for years?
Because of this, my actions and the way I do certain things are often void of expression, as if I’m one of those robot dogs. They perform the same physical functions as a regular dog, just without any real excitement or curiosity. When I play video games I imagine myself looking like a maniac staring at a screen and aimlessly moving my thumbs around. When I’m speaking I imagine a very blank stare and a bunch of words that make somewhat sense but arent backed by a soul. Almost like im AI, formulating a response to something that I don’t really care to say, but do anyways to keep up with social norms. And that’s what I mean by feeling like im programmed. Everything that I do feels like surival rather than truly living. My internal emotional handbook now only consists of negativity and spite. Like when something happens that bothers me, a friend taking a long ass time to respond, getting cut off in traffic, being ignored or dismissed in a conversation when I speak up in class. It sounds corny, but these things form a ball of rage inside of me that I can physically feel. It’s that feeling that makes you want to punch a hole through the bathroom wall. So other than the destructive emotion that doesn’t really help me, I feel a whole lot of nothing.
One thing I really miss being able to feel is humor. Every now and then I’ll force out a chuckle but nothing makes me laugh to the point of running out of breath. The best type of laughter is that which comes from finding something so funny that you can’t help but laugh. My humor is gone and I can no longer express that to others either. And when I try it ends up being a fruitless attempt, as the other party doesn’t laugh and instead looks at me like I said something wrong. Like I once blurted out a joke at my church group which I personally thought would intiate a chuckle, and maybe they just didn’t understand, but they glossed over what I said and it seemed like humor wasn’t even concieved in their minds. Seems like the only time I can make people laugh is when I say or do dumb shit, like the times in japan when the locals would bust out laughing at me walking around like an npc. I didn’t imagine this either, something I actually heard and saw with my two ears. Them japs dont give a shit! A better example would be in middle school, when I would force myself to think of the most out of pocket things and blurt them out to initiate a reaction out of the class, which actually worked for a time but at a certain age, stops being as funny. Real humor is crafted from a deep knowledge of the unexpected. But in my mind I always expect everything so nothing seems funny enough for me to say.
What am I blabbing on about? Well this whole feeling like a robot thing has really isolated me. Everyone else seems like they feel deeply and it helps them relate to others and keeps them excited about pursuing things in their life. Me? I have been doing these things simply because that’s what society expects of me. And because of this, I haven’t found a career that has been interesting enough for me to want to spend years of my life dedicating myself towards.I haven’t made any close friends. I haven’t achieved anything worthwile and when I find a hobby, its scrapped a few months later. If I had things my way, I would get comfortable in the luxury of a life my mom has provided for me, and chill in my bed till I die. My deep desires like having a wife and traveling and exploring the world dont feel real either. Just something my mind seeks as a cope because it sees everyone else having those things, seemingly happy as fuck. True happiness, as I remember it as a child- Waking up Christmas morning, arriving on a friends porch for a sleepover, embracing my mom in a hug: It’s gone. And those things no longer bring me the same feelings.
What I do know, is that the only true antidote for this void is Jesus. In the Bible, Jesus says for anyone who is weary or heavy burdened to come to him and he will give them rest. Well I’m over here feeling the burden of not being able to experience life, weary about all of the things that I am missing out on, weary about what im going to do, about being a lonely loser. And I come to him and feel content. That he suffered on the cross all those years ago, because he thought my life- no matter how bland it may be right now- was worth the sacrifice. And when I come to him I start to feel something other than rage- This feeling of being loved that can’t really be explained. Just felt- and the feeling, when I allow it, overcomes everything else and brings life to every other emotion.